do the damn hula ;D  kanye west :: stronger 



i was riding shotgun with my hair undone in the front seat of his car. he's got a one hand-feel on the steering wheel, and the other on my heart. =)






"either you climb a higher point today, or you exercise your strength in order to be able to climb a higher tomorow"

                                                                    -F. Nietzche


as an early birthday gift, i got a brand new set of brake pads from my dad. oh man oh man, got all giddy by just the idea of installing them, pff gyea right! hardee har har. so there i was, sitting my un j lo ass up on a feather pillow, unconvinced of whether or not this so called "car jack thing" would really hold up on me. and if not, all the many many things i probably should have written on my will. but more importantly, i did it to save my dad time and money since hes hardly ever home anymore. yea yea, i know a whoping $160 isn't exactly considered a lot these days, but hell its enough to buy something on the mcdonald's dollar menu. :]


somewhere in the silence of plucking off a hubbycap, i thought back to a conversation i had with my dad. i begun to think about everyday break throughs leading to studies in science. studies that relentlessly provide us solutions to decipher troughs such as diseases, environmental matters, or just some eerie ghastly shit lol. but despite how gnostic i've become, wouldn't you agree the more we thirst to know, when finally quenched and answered, only initiates a brand new set of questions to be asked? hm, so the more questions we answer, only arises more inquiry from what was a simple solution. (wtf.)


later that day i went to go pick up my mom's medication at my neighborhood walgreens. while waiting in line, i imagined "what if someday in the future, cancer could be treated in the pharmacy department in the back of walgreen's."


realistically thinking, the day the world lives without trepidation of cancer, signifies a day the world faces a more fatal and immense disease, this disease far far worse then cancer. which ties me back into how the more questions we answer, arises further inquiry derived from what was that a simple solution. i believe there will come a century when cancer will fall into the same category as polio or strep throat, but whats to happen after that, that's the itchy part. 


... "super polio"? :|


at the same time its not like we can stop now. that would be synomous to saying apple's ultimate final product is the i fone. unquestionably there will come a subsequent, maybe called the "mini i fone". and think of it in this way, maybe technology will revolutionize to a point we can't even press let alone visibly see the object, but either way -- it's going to be a damn cold day in hell before innovation halts. point being, as more doors open, so does our appetites. after all: human wants are unlimited, yet natural resources are. as bad as this may sound, when all of this blows up in our faces, were just going to turn to god or some spiritual gnostic being for help. (like always :D. well, thats my escape plan! oh what, like you have a better one?)


im going on a tanget when i say this but its funny how in those moments of crisis do we only ask god for strength and help. as cognitive technical beings, why would we ask something that who knows could may well be a figment of our immaginations for guidance. instead, were too lazy to even search inside ourselves for the power to overcome. (lazy bastards) afterall, we were strong enough to cause the most horrifics castastrophes in the first place, and now have no option but to endure what we created. thats what makes me laugh. all that jihadist stuff, crazy new nuclear warfare, my smoggy contribute to global warming. if thats what our prayers and thoughts reguard, "a safer future" because of our careless acts, it's sort of rude to ask god for help. -_- dont you think?


"the world has a cancer, and that cancer is man."

you spin me right round baby right round  maroon 5 :: through with you 

and for the record no this song is not directed toward anyone in specific lol. i mean it is a personal song that brings back deep memories and all. but how about we focus our attention on something more important, like the fact i'm missing a cottdamn eyebrow in my info pic. chicka ow ~ ;D





understand i want relations, not relationships.

deep down, it doesn't matter how many great haircuts you get, how many gym memeberships you own, or how many drinks you share with your friends. every night before laying youself to sleep, you analyze over every detail of how it went wrong. you imagine how you could have been misunderstood, and in the mist of all this looking back, to believe that you were once that happy.

and as small and as insignificant you may feel, the feeling still aches in places you never even knew you had inside you. you want to convince youself that one day, he will be the prince charming you remember him as, and will see the light by showing up at your door. and if that fails, you'll go somewhere new and meet people who will make those pieaces of your soul come back, or make those fuzzy pieaces of your life eventually fade away.

theres nothing that can be said, especially over xanga, that can mend a broken heart. just know that:

your a pretty girl, but thats not what you do. your not a damsel in distress -- and therefore you do not need to be rescued.


*turns up AC/DC -- dirty deeds, done dirtttt cheap.* catch me riding dirtaaaaaay!!









"to control the masses, set fear -- and provide a scapegoat."
halocaust .. aids epidemic .. walmart --- oh oh* and the ninjas.



man -- i f'cked up. hard. and this time, with the law.


which intially made me pouring in angst. scared straight shaking and convinced that there was no better time to start smoking then now. but then i began to think. lol at first out of selfishness, as i considered the pessimistic reprucussions, and then my optimistic options. now im not a loyal christian, but i do know a thing or two about the christian interpretation of leviathan. often it is considered to be a demon or natural monster associated with satan, and with that held by some to be the same monster as rahab (isiah 5:1.. i think lol).

people like to relate the leviathan as a feasible form of government. in the sense that whenever we do something bad, in return we get punished. for instance if we screw with the law, the government sends out the beast. so it's best that we be scared. of the government? no. be scared of the leviathan. darn government. *snaps*

then it dawned on me, this being like a lot of other list long stupid things. perhaps the leviathan is part of us. that we are the beast and we bring fear into the walls of our hearts. it's not the government who punishes us, but ourselves asking to do so for choosing to do the offense. thats whose punishing us, ourselves. face it, we have full responsibility for creating what our lives hold.

essentially it comes down to reason as a defense against anger. but you can not sit and get mad for what you put onto yourself. when i raitionalize and calculate the entire situation, it slowly makes sense.


unfortunately, this still does not change the fact that, im so .. f'cked. lol

live for the future.
                                        ... and long for the past.

another rant. fabulous.


it's two a.m. and i'm bitterly cynical and more awake than i should be. i just got home looking like some released hostage by a ban of annoyed jihadist with my curls barely intact, yet still enough to keep me feeling weak and nausiated. i skipped class tonight, big mistake, huuuge mistake because tonight was a review, so what was just another upcoming midterm is now a scheduled crucification, sponsored by the csm department of science. i'm drinking coffee, which i really shouldn't be since i have to wake up early tomorow for class and also because i need to take a major whiz but am too lazy to walk across my ridiculously tiny space i call home. i'm texting someone that i should not be texting because everytime i talk to them all these funky, undiagnosed, confusing, "i dont know what the eff this means!!" thoughts and emotions start invading my brain. yea, it's amazing what a small screen with the capacity of a hundred and sixty characters can do.


the cut that i have playing my page is one of "those songs". you know, one of "those songs" that you listen to and it just .. hits you. right there. right in the right place. that little place in the pit of your stomach. it goes in your ears and travels straight down to that little, tiny, small, miniscule part of your stomach. after it hits that it travels up to your heart and makes it skip a beat then back up to your brain to trigger some sort of memory. feeling. emotion. thought. something. anything.


it struck me and made me begin to wonder. not about anything specific, really. just caught up in a wonder. it's human nature to wonder. it's normal. it's expected. it's almost required. many times we get so caught up in the wonder that we forget about the do. we forget that we can do what we wonder about. we can get what we want. and if not, fight like hell for it. everyone does it. everyone wonders. they think. they worry. they wish. they want. they wonder. but they don't do.


what is so intimidating about the "do"? there is not one human being on the face of this planet that does not ponder about a change they are capable of acting on, a change for the better. but out of all that wondering going on, there is no doing. why are we so scared, what are we scared about. rejection, dissapointment, humiliation, failure. or simply because it has erroneous smeared all over it? if that tests positive, then i be damned to be a sitting duck and wonder because im too scared of ruin. well, mmmm. to first have these notions, perhaps i were a ruin to begin with.


*files for chapter eleven*

*grabs a lunch bag, areosol cans, gives a good shake -- inhales*


but heres the thing, with all this built up "wonder", comes this hope. if you wonder about something enough, think about it everyday, long for whatever it is, you start to get hope. hope that there is the slightest chance that  "it just might work out for you." the glisten of it is so stuck on your brain, that you begin to create these beautiful images of the outcomes successfully playing out to your advantage. i've been contemplating over emailing an old colleague, with this "hope" that they have not changed, too much. i repeatedly compose the same letter, with their email inserted sitting ready to go, but then scroll to the upper right hand corner and click on x. i realized i rather feel relieved, then satisfied. yeeep. and that convincing voice flashing positive could be's is still sitting pretty. yet we never act on it. we have that hope pulling us one way and our fear of failure pulling us the other. wow talk about a bad power struggle. why do we always chose fear over hope.


i personally think fear itself is meaningless, unless you give it meaning to be feared. not in the sense that fear is completely psychological but "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself." yes yes so although it may be my strong belief that fear is powerless unless we position ourselves to be victimized by it, how can we always construe let alone understand what our weaknesses are? and thats the thing, you'll always fear what you don't understand.


but then again, maybe that's just how were made. maybe we like pain. not like it in the way you like kisses, hugs, sex, or candy. but maybe we need that pain. without the bad, you don't honor the good. without the pain, you won't savor the pleasure. without the fear you can't relish in the hope. you know there is a saying that i never really understood until right now: "why do i keep hitting myself with this hammer?"

because it feels so damn, damn good ....





when you stop.